After He Ran Away

I spoke to him on day two.  Speaking to each other is horrible.  But it did mean that he decided to keep me up to date by day 3. I feel a lot of compassion for him. He has behaved so uncharacteristically and so strangely that I think he is in some kind of emotional crisis.

From him:

Hi J*** …

I just wanted to let you know what my likely movements are.  Tonight, I’ll probably stay in a hotel again.  I haven’t told my parents yet, so I’ll phone them later and let them know what has happened.  Tomorrow, I think I’ll then go there for a few days.  I’m due in London again next week anyway.  And then I’ll probably get a cheap air bnb in London for a few weeks after that.

If you want to talk, then maybe we could have a call tomorrow, or Sunday, or both if you like?  Let me know.  I know you may go to Glasgow, which will be good I think.   If that’s the case, then we can talk next week instead if it’s easier.  I texted N***, but haven’t spoken to him yet (my own phone ran out of juice for a while, but it’s charged again now).

I thought maybe I’d come back to Manchester next weekend, to start trying to go through things in person?  Let me know what works for you though…

What you said is true about talking; we’ve been together a long time, we have been good (great … best) friends.  Even though I did this, it’s still going to be hard for me though when we meet & talk, and harder for you I imagine.  I don’t deserve any of your sympathy, so when you ask me am I ok, then it’s hard to answer. But if we (you) are able to still talk, then it will be better for both of us, I guess.

J**

My Reply:

Hi,

Thanks for the update.

Yes, let’s talk tomorrow.  It might be emotionally messy for a while when we talk, but I think that it’s important to find a way through the discomfort, and to communicate properly.  I know it’s hard for you that I am in so much pain, I really can’t help that, my whole world is upside down, but I think that being civilised is going to help enormously.

Your pain is legitimate too.  Although I strongly feel that you have done this all wrong.  You’ve been much too impulsive, so have made both of our lives harder in an already hideous situation than it needed to be.  I know that guilt is an emotion that has a strong affect on you, and it won’t help if you respond to it by trying to minimise it, or look for external reasons for why things have gone wrong.  Ultimately they went wrong because of you, but that doesn’t mean that you now have to prostrate yourself.  Just be the good person I know and do this break up thing well and honourably and I think we’ll both come out of it less bruised than we might have done.

I ask you if you are ok because I care about you.  That doesn’t mean that I also don’t think that you have done wrong by me.  It’s ok for you to not feel ok and to express that, and I am a sympathetic sort of a person, but honestly I am also plenty angry and I feel horribly wronged and let down.  This sort of thing is never straightforward.  I’m feeling emotions I never knew existed previously.

Yes, please do come back next weekend.  I need to wrest back some control and start thinking about my life alone.  It would be good to do that soon especially since I have no experience of it, and need to re-learn how to be in the world.

I‘m really glad that you sent this e-mail, and I think that it will be better for us both if we act like us instead of trying to second guess one another and decide what’s for the best without communicating.

So, I hope you are ok, but I suspect that even if you are feeling a tenth of what I am you probably feel really shit.

I truly wish that this hadn’t happened.  But I also truly wish that we both come out at the end better and happier.

J x

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