I’m getting crosser by the day… And he replied:
I don’t blame you. I know you didn’t cause all that shit. And I didn’t mean it to come out that way. I thought I had said it’s not your fault at all. But I know I can be a bit clumsy in what I say… so sorry
He still hasn’t read it properly though.
Before we talk I just want to get this stuff out there, because i don’t think it helps to talk about it necessarily, and it’s better and more measured written down.
There are many reasons why your life feels bad. Some of them have to do with me, but many of them don’t. I think that in order to justify an affair and walking out you have to construct a story that it was all shit and that I am shit too. And was not a good partner.
It might seem silly of me to want you to not think those things, but it’s because in doing so you wipe out so much of my past. And also, it means that if you do want to move on, you do so without recognising the other things that have made you unhappy, and you’ll just take them wherever you go next.
For example, for much of the past ten years we have basically been having a long distance relationship. That’s a shitty way to live and put a lot of strain on the both of us. You have been in touch with your birth parents and it’s stirred up a lot of difficult stuff, that you have bottled up and fail to face. You have felt a huge amount of pressure to support me, and I think that being the breadwinner has made you feel very pressurised and trapped. We have a crap sex life. It is very upsetting. It upsets me too.
You have a new job and are realising that people admire you and maybe you think I don’t admire you enough. You think you are going to die, but you are too scared to go and find out from the doctor that you are worrying about nothing. You are balding, it makes you feel old and unwanted. I have had constant pain, that makes you think I am old and crocked too. I have been miserable at times, and you want life to always be fun and happy. You want to associate a partner with fun and happiness.
You have met someone else that makes your loins burn and you can’t stop thinking about them. You are consumed with thoughts of them. You can’t wait until the next time you talk to them. They get that you are great and you believe them when they say it. Why would you believe me when I say it – I’m just me after all, and it is not flattering or exciting. They are everything I am not etc. etc. that might be true, but it is also classic mid-life crisis stuff. You have thought about how you feel and how this new person makes you feel and have concluded that I am the problem. You are ignoring all the other stuff that makes your life feel bad. Because it’s convenient. But it’s also unfair and it’s what makes your behaviour unkind.
You may have met the love of your life, you may just need to sow some wild oats. Those are valid things. You should explore them. But don’t bloody well blame me. It’s bad enough to have your future fucked up, without having someone to tell you that your past has been bullshit too. Nobody feigns a relationship for 23 years. Not without arguments and obvious resentments. It is ok to have loved me and not to love me anymore. It is insulting to say that you never did and that our life together was a mistake. And you are childish and unrealistic if you say so. And you shift the blame from you to me. Which is mean.
You know, you can still respect me and our past, and move on. Spark in long term relationships is hard to maintain. I know that. I focus on our deep friendship and shared interests, and the fun stuff we do together. And the love and affection we show each other. The small touches. The warmth. The kindnesses. It isn’t sparky. But it is love. If these things don’t sustain you, that’s allowed. I would have liked the chance to try to work out if it could have been salvaged before it was too late. As it is I have no power and no control over what is happening to me. That’s what you have done to me. But if that’s not the kind of love you wanted you have to do what is right for you. But blaming me is a dick move.
I’m sorry that you felt lonely in our marriage. I am sorrier still that you didn’t talk about it. I hope that you will revise the story you are telling yourself. And just shrug, and go “well, shit happens, and I don’t need for her to take the blame. I’m big enough to do that”.
There were things that I wanted too. I wanted to live in a different city. I wanted you to not be so tired that we could’t go out at weekends. I wanted to be fucked senseless. I wanted to live in the same place as you. I wanted to be able to support each other properly with work things. I wanted you to talk and for me not to be scared to ask you questions. I wanted to make my own money. And loads of other things…
People feel trapped. And stuck. And like their lives suck. I know because I’ve felt that way too. If you need to move on, you need to move on. But do it with grace and class and know that because some girl you met six weeks ago makes you feel good it doesn’t mean that I ALWAYS made you feel bad. If you don’t acknowledge that, all the other things that have made you feel bad will soon come to bite you on the bum when the lusty period where you are blinded to another person’s faults wears off. Or maybe even before. You have your first crush in years. You are acting like a total teenager about it. But when the intensity dies down you will still be 42, you will still have stomach problems, you will still get up and go to work like a merry-go-round every day, you will still be balding. Someone else can’t fix that shit. And someone else didn’t cause it.
Anyhoo… cheery stuff, eh! Ooof.
I’ll speak to you later.