Insomnia

Last night was a killer.  After all the horribleness of the day and speaking to you about stuff I would rather never have to think about, I couldn’t switch off.  I was awake until 5, and then woke up again at 7.

Processed with VSCOcam with 5 preset
Processed with VSCOcam with 5 preset

I spent the small hours on the internet.  I felt pretty bad this morning.  But then I made a Dr’s appointment, and the doctor was so lovely.  She gave me similar advice to the advice my friend Alex gave me.  This is a new beginning.  You are going to come out of it all better off in the end.  And she added that I should get legal advice.

Numerous e-mails from you today.  E-mails are not so bad.  Replied to one “I still feel very unsafe about this money business. Promise you won’t fuck me over!”.  You said, “I promise I won’t fuck you over …”  But I can’t trust a word you say.  I will seek legal advice.  I never would have thought that I would want a quick divorce, but you seem so resolute that I don’t think that there’s much use in holding off.  I need to move on in the best way I can. And I need financial stability to do that.

So, it’s Monday.  And the weekend was bad.  But I am still here.  Still going.  Half a stone lighter, but prepared to keep living and finding ways through.  I’m not sure what I would say in the unlikely event you said you wanted to come back.  Even now.  Loneliness  alone is one thing.  Loneliness in a relationship is much worse.  And I don’t think that I want that again.

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