Last night was a killer. After all the horribleness of the day and speaking to you about stuff I would rather never have to think about, I couldn’t switch off. I was awake until 5, and then woke up again at 7.
I spent the small hours on the internet. I felt pretty bad this morning. But then I made a Dr’s appointment, and the doctor was so lovely. She gave me similar advice to the advice my friend Alex gave me. This is a new beginning. You are going to come out of it all better off in the end. And she added that I should get legal advice.
Numerous e-mails from you today. E-mails are not so bad. Replied to one “I still feel very unsafe about this money business. Promise you won’t fuck me over!”. You said, “I promise I won’t fuck you over …” But I can’t trust a word you say. I will seek legal advice. I never would have thought that I would want a quick divorce, but you seem so resolute that I don’t think that there’s much use in holding off. I need to move on in the best way I can. And I need financial stability to do that.
So, it’s Monday. And the weekend was bad. But I am still here. Still going. Half a stone lighter, but prepared to keep living and finding ways through. I’m not sure what I would say in the unlikely event you said you wanted to come back. Even now. Loneliness alone is one thing. Loneliness in a relationship is much worse. And I don’t think that I want that again.