Tonight your brother told your sister what was happening. I was the first person she called. Words can’t explain what that meant to me. She wasn’t mean about you. How could she be? In fact I felt like I was connecting to the one other person that truly knows you. That knows what you are like when things are going wrong. How you can be stealthy and closed and run away from a problem. How you stick your head in the sand. It made me feel so much less alone.
When you came to visit this weekend, I thought that maybe you would come to your senses. You met someone six (well, now seven) weeks ago. You started some smoochy talk two weeks ago. You left me a week ago because you thought you could have a better life with her. Even if I wasn’t an abandoned and desperate wife, I would think that was crazy. I would think that you had lost your fucking mind.
Of all the things that I have felt or thought this week, denial is the best. It means I am not in pain the whole time. But it also means coming back to reality with a bump.
I had a long phone conversation with J** today. It was nice, but also sad. Because I keep expecting him to say that he’s made an awful mistake. And he doesn’t say that. He says that he feels very close to this “other person”.
I think you could call what he’s going through a mid-life crisis. Just in that he wants to change his life. And I sympathise with him. I hate to say. But at the same time I am distraught about the rejection an about my future being all messed up. I’m despondent that he doesn’t think that it’s worth trying to fix the problems in our relationship. And I’m sad that actually I thought our relationship was good, but he did not agree. Although, it is hard to know which came first, the object of his affair or his dissatisfaction with what we had.
On the upside, I was miserable earlier today, but after meeting my lovely friend E**** for a couple of hours I felt hopeful again. Great friends, I find, are rare as hens teeth. But she’s a keeper!
Last night was a killer. After all the horribleness of the day and speaking to you about stuff I would rather never have to think about, I couldn’t switch off. I was awake until 5, and then woke up again at 7.
I spent the small hours on the internet. I felt pretty bad this morning. But then I made a Dr’s appointment, and the doctor was so lovely. She gave me similar advice to the advice my friend Alex gave me. This is a new beginning. You are going to come out of it all better off in the end. And she added that I should get legal advice.
Thanks J***. I’ll read all this properly later. I skimmed it and don’t disagree with it. But I’ve realised I’m ridiculously tired. Got to Cardiff, and just have to sleep.
I don’t blame you. I know you didn’t cause all that shit. And I didn’t mean it to come out that way. I thought I had said it’s not your fault at all. But I know I can be a bit clumsy in what I say… so sorry
I spoke to him on day two. Speaking to each other is horrible. But it did mean that he decided to keep me up to date by day 3. I feel a lot of compassion for him. He has behaved so uncharacteristically and so strangely that I think he is in some kind of emotional crisis.
Hi J*** …
I just wanted to let you know what my likely movements are. Tonight, I’ll probably stay in a hotel again. I haven’t told my parents yet, so I’ll phone them later and let them know what has happened. Tomorrow, I think I’ll then go there for a few days. I’m due in London again next week anyway. And then I’ll probably get a cheap air bnb in London for a few weeks after that.